I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
