My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
