I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
