dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize