He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
