dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
