I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
