I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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