If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
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