I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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