I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All I want is dick and wine.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
