just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
