When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
