Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
