dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
