about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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