Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Girls should come with a carfax report
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
