life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
