Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
