Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
