Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
smell my finger.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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