I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
