Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
