I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
