wanna go halves on a baby?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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