sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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