Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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