Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
