I think im going to throw up on grandma
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize