well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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