I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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