He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
