I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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