Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize