I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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