Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
