Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just found a bag of teeth...
Less talking, more tequila
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
