Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
