it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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