I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
please don't ironically join a cult
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