I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
