Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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