i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
