i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
