Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize