So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
