My friends, they love my intelligence
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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