saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This baby is an asshole
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
