Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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