Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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