I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
