Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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