I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
