We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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