remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
