Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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