thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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