dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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