neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
