just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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