Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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