i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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